the uninterrupted thoughts of an adoptive mother...

Yesterday I realized for the first time that once our two eldest are out of the house, I will have three black children at home. Duh, right? I don't know why it kind of took me by surprise but it did. It's not a bad thing or a good thing. It's just a thing. I think I just thought how strange it might be since our parenting beginnings began with two white biological look-like-me children and will end with three adopted children that dont share my genetics. In some ways I think it's awesome, for life to be such an adventure as that. To look back at younger me as I began parenthood in that hospital room as I stared into the eyes of my firstborn, completely unaware of where life was going to take us. It's beautiful and complicated, scary and exhilarating. Makes me wonder what this next step is going to look like.

Will our daughters integrate naturally into our family? What kinds of struggles will we have that will lead us into an even different life than I can imagine right now? Am I ready? If I had seen a short snippet of my life now back then, I'd probably panic a little. But that's the beauty of it being a journey. It means it's long, and you have time to learn and grow and make little decisions along the way. 

I have had vivid dreams now of what it will be like to meet our girls. It's almost like I'm having pregnancy symptoms. I had some crazy dreams when I was pregnant. And I'm also showing signs of nesting...doing tons of research (some good, some probably irrelevant), buying more adoption books, obsessing over any news and any new email we get. 

This morning I read this verse:

"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence for my hope is from him.”—Psalm 62:5

I need reminded that I have to be careful not to dwell on the what ifs and the not yets of the future. My brain can often take me to unhealthy imaginings that somehow I can start believing are true. This verse helped center me back to Christ. To being still and quiet and hope in HIM, rather than in my own dreams. It's the resting that I need more than the dreaming.