Broken silence

I've been at a loss for words for over a year now. Not knowing how to explain my thoughts because they are jumbled and conflicted and confused. I don't know how many times I've started typing out some thoughts for a bit only to delete them all a few minutes later. Part of it is now I have a toddler who demands more of my time. But most of it is just because we're in a weird limbo of life and there's only so many times I can say, "We want to go home, but in the meantime this is what we're doing...". People get tired of that. I MYSELF get tired of that. So......delete.

Even though it's been 2 years since we were in the village and now 1 year since we adopted Rovan, there's still been things we have learned and grown through. There always is. Maybe someday in heaven I'll be able to get the whole story as to WHY America needed to be our home for this time. Or maybe I'll realize that God allowed it to happen, pandemic and all, and He really just wanted us to trust Him and walk humbly with Him in the meantime. Well, we all know how that has gone ;)

Yesterday we were talking about the busy life that seems to consume Americans as a whole. The need to always be moving and going. Sometimes it's to preserve our own sanity when home isn't restful, sometimes it's because we don't want our kids to miss out on opportunities that are available to them. Whatever the reason, it's a busy life. 

But we must realize that rest is also important. If we are always in a moving state, we have a difficult time finding true rest or even knowing HOW to rest. This is sometime we can also teach our kids. I remember times in the village during rainy season where we would have evening thunder and lighting storms. You could feel them coming. And due to my dislike of them, I would prepare for them by snuggling under the covers, no matter if it was 85 degrees inside, putting ear plugs in my ears, and placing a face mask over my eyes. When it arrived I'd usually also put my head under my pillow with just my nose sticking out so I could breath. My amygdala was on fire and I was mentally preparing for a loud and scary night. Our house had NO insulation. You hear everything. Those nights I wouldn't sleep until the storm had passed. And even then it took a while for my body to relax.

So it is when we are under other stress. It takes time for our bodies and minds to separate from that. Our brains will associate certain moments with past emotional events and can be triggered even after months or years of time in between. 

So having this extended time away from our life that is draining in all senses of the word, helps us to "heal" in a way. Sometimes it just takes time. 

We were asked recently, "So why do you even want to go back?" Oof. Maybe we've spent too much time talking about the challenges?? Because honestly yes, there is MUCH more that is appealing to us about living in America than there is living overseas. But obviously there's more to it. No one will argue when you say, 'Its where God has called us for the time being." It's the right thing to say, and we believe it with our whole hearts. Not that we, ourselves, aren't conflicted at times. We've definitely had moments this last year, where there was very bleak prospects of us returning, where we almost threw in the proverbial towel. We'd had enough of waiting and being so frustrated about not being able to plan our future. "It's not worth waiting." "Maybe God wants us to stay here." 

But God. He stepped in. He finds ways to encourage us and spur us on to trust and rest in Him. A friend of mine challenged me to not let this waiting time steal my joy. And I'll be honest. It's not been an outwardly joyful time for me. For the most part it's been a BATTLEGROUND Of joy vs depression. Sometimes when we are discouraged, the best we can do is just to do the next right thing. For me, it's been reading through Scripture. I've read through Job and wrestled with God's responses to Him in his despair. I've read through some of the Psalms and listened to David cry out to God who seems distant. And I've watched God deal with the Israelites in their sin and self-destruction. And the bigger picture I see is of a loving but also just God. A God who is distant in His Godliness but close in His faithfulness. He sees me and knows the best for me. And that may not be giving me what I want when I want it. As parents we don't give our kids everything they want because that's not in their best interest. We can see a bigger pictures of how training them a certain way will prepare them for life. So God does with us. 

So my choices are to trust Him even when I don't feel joy in it. To keep reading and learning even when I don't feel like I'm gaining much from it. It's the next right thing. I KNOW the best thing I can do is to hope in Him, trust Him, and walk with Him in the meantime.

"Our soul waits for the Lord ; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord , be upon us, even as we hope in you.

Psalm 33:20‭-‬22 ESV

The journey ahead is long...and usually this is how I feel about it 😁

**Our latest news is that were waiting news of our visa approval and hoping to hear this week! We have friends staying with us this week to help with the house and my parents and brother come next week to visit! Busy times ahead!