Beautiful in its time

"I don't know."

It's what we've been saying a lot lately. To those who ask out of the goodness of their hearts. To those who wonder, just like we do, why we are still here. To the well wishers and the curious. And really I don't mind. What else is there to talk about sometimes? And it's always on the forefront of our minds too. 

We are sitting in this bubble of time, with a heap of memories behind us and a larger heap of hopes and dreams ahead. It's a tension, an uncomfortable silence. I want more than anything to see a glimpse into the whens and the hows. When will we finally have definite news? How will God work out the details?

I'm reminded every time my 10 year old looks at me with tears welling up in his eyes and says, "I just want to go home" that our kids aren't immune to the tensions. And I tell him that I feel the exact same way, and it hurts, and we have to wait and trust that it will happen in God's timing. And we rejoice in small things that hold promise, like finally getting Rovan's passport after a couple delays and 3 families who were in our same position getting THEIR work permits (hurray!). Maybe we're next?

In the meantime, we force ourselves to not dwell on the discomfort and the what ifs. We choose to enjoy the moments that we can't have back. We watch the beautiful snowfall, we take the kids sledding, we mourn with those near to us who lost their loved one, we delight in time spent with our cousins and nieces and nephews, we learn things in school, we read books, we experiment with new recipes, we celebrate that we're going to get a new niece this year, we go to one store and find everything we need, we let the kids stay up late and eat ice cream, we go sledding again, we play games and talk through important life lessons, and we let the grandparents spoil the kids. 

It's hard to live in tension. But I have too much to be thankful for to let this tension steal the moments that I could be enjoying.

 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11)

We cannot see what God sees.

I remember reading the book "The Grand Weaver" by Ravi Zacharias and being impressed by how God weaves His sovereign plan into the inner workings of our lives. Not that He controls but that He's IN control. I believe there is a big difference. For I can choose sin and He can still accomplish His bigger plan in spite of myself. Sin simply sets ME back from enjoying the fruit of His work in me and through me. And after delving into the Old Testament stories, it's clear that God can even change His mind. (King Hezekiah asked God to let him live longer. God told the Israelites they should not have a king and after they begged, He gave them a king). This doesn't mean He gives up His sovereignty, but that He can still work out his plan in spite of us. How amazing of a God that is!! 

So we pray for favor and for answers (though we ask Him to do what is best) and we keep waiting. The beauty of Christianity is that God works even through our weaknesses. I know He's working on my heart in this process. And I ask for wisdom to help me navigate the difficult conversations with the kids when they need help understanding. We will be able to look back and probably see better what God was doing during this time. 

In the meantime, we throw snowballs, eat our ice cream, hug our family, pray for our co-workers, and do what we can to be a little salt and a little light wherever we have opportunity. He will make everything beautiful in its time.